Dear one, breathe into easefulness in the body

This morning I found myself in a familiar loop, worrying about whether the grey weather would limit my enjoyment of the regional botanic gardens, whether I’d be cold and miserable. My mind started racing to think of new ideas, something that could make this free day “worth” it. The pressure to have the best day every day (especially days free from 9-5 work) is exhausting and anxiety inducing. I thought of where the roots of this anxiety and pressure might come from: fear of not enough time, the many days and hours spent hunched over a computer working remotely when the sun is out and I’m still young, creative, have the energy to do things.

The fear of meaningless wasted time. This fear seems to be unique to those in my generation with a certain amount of privilege - taught that we can do anything, encouraged to “live our best lives”, seeing examples of those globe trotting or making millions of dollars in cryptocurrency or as start up founders, the way in which we prize titles and salaries, the race to “be someone”.

Or maybe this pressure is just my inheritance from my ancestors who strived to survive and pull themselves out of poverty - maybe it is deeply rooted in a fear of inevitable scarcity. The scarcity of money and resources has become fear of the scarcity of time. Even if I am alive now, healthy enough, able bodied enough, clear minded enough. What if I could do anything would this aching heart claim? Is it possible to step into that moment, that possibility knowing that I can do anything? What will I leave behind if I constantly choose to start anew, fresh, with the limitless possibility? Am I limiting myself to nothing deeply rooted, no job past three years, no promotions to management, no sabbaticals won over years of commitment and sacrifice and return? What is return, who am I returning to? When I return home to myself, in the breath and stillness of this moment, who will meet me?  

Can I lean into the idea that every moment where I am able to be fully present, to bring ease and wellbeing into my body, is a moment worth living? And that even ones wracked by anxiety and circling thought patterns can be welcome in a life worth living? Happy, carefree moments are not the only ones deemed worthy of inclusion. I can move from “I don’t want this part of me, I don’t want this weather” to “I can include everything in this worthwhile life”. All are worthy of being here. This too, this too. You are welcome here. The fullness of my being is welcome here. There is no wasted time.