Today, throw a tantrum, rage at every
Fucking thing you hate
Let the axe fall hard into the ground,
Fuck you fuck this fuck everything
Allow yourself to feel everything.
Notice what is arising, a different sort of anger
Anger at the practice for allowing your anger to
Go hidden for so long. Isn’t that what the
practice is for? Take nothing
Teachers tell you for granted, say goodbye to the
Security blanket that is plum village
Nothing is certain, not even the practice
Sure, blame the practice for the
Deep well of anger hidden inside you
Blame yourself for not tending to it earlier, scooping
Out handfuls of water to sprinkle the flowers growing
Unasked for on the gravesites
You’re angry, I see that. The fear arises next
Fear that you have nothing
If you cannot rely upon the practice, what is there?
Hopeless, uncertain, looking for something to grasp
Despairing, falling, afraid
Stay with the fear even as another
Piece of you takes a bat to the glass windows of
This little house, bashes everything in
The fear sits in the front garden, trembling
To think of what will happen when everything is gone
Rationalize this confusion if you like.
At least when everything is destroyed
You’ll be free from perception, you’ll be able to choose
Who you are, you’ll take what you want from the practice
And leave the rest
Says who?
What else is there?
It’s not like you’re on some witch hunt to discover
All of the anger fear and distress inside
Can you allow each feeling to expand
And tumble into the next, no separation in experience
Everything is here, everything is included
Noticing the resistance to the very idea that
Anger at the practice can be included
In this breathing.
You say,
If the practice is not solid, how can I use breathing
To work through this anger?
Chad says,
We can allow resistance to exist in awareness,
Choosing in our own freedom to go on with our lives
‘Fuck this’ can exist
‘I hate you’ can exist
‘I hate myself’ can exist
Do you believe this?
Yes, and if you're not careful,
this can become so overwhelming so fast
If I keep adding kindling to the fire
If I keep watering the plant
Whatever fucking metaphor you want to use
‘Fuck this’ feels good
I can drown in the ‘fuck this’ if I allow it
Even if I am aware of it.
Even if I explore it.
