I wrote 10000 words of hatred, broke everything I love,
including practice, my family, you, every person, including myself
broke them with hate, broke them so I never wanted to see them again
to see myself again
and then I made it through. I sat like a newborn child
outside marveling at the air on my skin, the fresh light vast sky
touching me, me! and the sun, so hot, the shade, so cool
the soil, scooping up handfuls, trying to save the little maple from drowning
life was fresh and new again
things I thought were dead to me came back alive
I smiled at the face of my team in Palestine, Nathan from home
I laughed, I delighted in the mud, in the sheer joy of being
Leo asked after I went through this hatred
what did I want to do?
I couldn't tell him, I could only say,
fuck everything, I want to do nothing
I was empty
of ambition, pride, longing, hope,
everything was done, I was empty
and in that emptiness, that
void devoid of everything
I was reborn
able again to put my hands out in wonder
at the uncertainty that is,
the certainty that is not.
