fuck you, demons

I am terrified of you, J
Terrified that in your company
I will be so fucking bored
Fall asleep during your stories
Have no delight, no joy, no play

I am terrified that you don’t have a
Powerful bone in your body
To pin me up against the wall
Grab my hips and fuck me
Until I lose all sense of control

I am terrified that I will walk away
Alone again because this
Is not enough for me, I don’t want it
I don’t want the life of someone
Conscripted to 9-5 work

I imagine much bigger for myself
Something alive, singing with joy,
Laughter, wonder, freedom
Moving places, trying new things
Learning, growing, alive, free

I am afraid you will be nothing I want
And everything I need
Solidity, true strength, gentleness,
Someone who can take care of their own anger,
Who can sit with me in mine,
Who’s okay with me hating them
Who doesn’t walk away

I am terrified of destroying something else
Something real
Because I can’t love you, because I
Suffocate in relationship

Give me my life back
Whatever it is that presses on my throat
My stomach, my lungs
trying to breathe, suffocating
I hate this, I hate you
I hate you, I hate you
I hate you

I want some fucking space to enjoy this
Person without fear, without wanting to run
Far away, imagining it after it’s over
It’s barely begun
I haven’t even fucked him yet

fuck you
I feel like I’m suffocating in relationship
Something is blocked in me, I want to break it
Fuck this piece of me that blocks out all
Connection, runs away to my own little island

What’s here, what’s hidden
Here in the darkness, terrifying fucking demons
Threatening to swallow me whole
Dark dark dark shit

Fuck you demons
I fucking hate you
Get the fuck away from me
FUCK YOU
I want to break you with a bat then light you on fire
Stop ruining me
Stop it
Stop, you fucking demon